Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Hormones....Nothing More Than...Hormones....

Faster than a nervous breakdown! Able to make grown women weep like a baby! Up in your brain! It's a wrinkle! It's a fart! NO! It's SUPERHORMONES!

Ah yes. Those wonderful, wacky, all-controlling chemicals have some AH-MA-ZING effects on women- especially those of us who have experienced pregnancy and childbirth.  Shall I run down some of the more scrumptious effects for you?

Let me see.... Oh yes- one of the top ten in the Pregnant & Hormonal Woman repertoire: GAS, GAS AND MORE GAS!  Not only is your digestive system slower, but you also have an ever growing mass of HUMAN BEING exerting pressure on all facets of your internal plumbing. Eat some beans? OH GOODY! Here comes a rumbling fart. Waddle down the stairs? FART FART FART with every step! Attempt to bend over to look at the toes you know were once there? Burp! And then fart again, just for good measure! A classic Burp-n-Fart tag team! Also occurs when you roll over in bed, especially if you're rolling over trying trying to seduce your husband with your sexy, sexy, whale of a body. Mmmmm.....whale farts. Never have I felt more manly than during the womanly act of pregnancy.

Hmm....what's another fabulous bodily function under the All-Powerful Hormone's control? How's about some Emotional Instability for ya?  How's about them apples, huh? Someone ask a stupid question like, "What's the baby's name?" for the eleventy bagillionth time? HULK SMASH YOUR FACE! For reals, dad! We did not have a name for him until he was four days old! It was not some sort of conspiracy against you getting a tattoo with his name blazoned across your chest! I wanted to scream like a banshee every time someone asked the same question over and over and over again. STOP PRESSURING ME!! We'll name him Turd Head after you, you stupid cow! O.M.G. I'm going to poop on my poor little baby's head during labor and then he really is going to be a turd head, all because we can't think of a name for him. My precious little baby boy is *sobbing* going to hate me forever *crying uncontrollably* because I pooped on his head and then spent the first few years of his life in jail for ripping that stupid lady's pancreas out of her big stupid mouth!

How about the good aspects of pregnancy hormones? You know- the ones heard of in myth and legend. Such as a "pregnancy glow." Sweet! Oil slicks on your face to make you a bright and shiny farting whale! How about thick, luscious long hair? Oh so amazing.....ON YOUR FACE!!! And, if you're as lucky as I am, you won't realize you have such long, luxurious facial hair until this past weekend when you are shopping at Costco with your sister who oh-so-helpfully tries to take that inch-long "cat hair" off your cheek only to drop it in horror as it makes your lip do an Elvis impersonation since it's firmly attached and has no intention of letting go. EVER. It wants to stay there and grow and grow and grow so you can use it for dental floss one day. Perhaps perm it or twist it behind your ear. Use it as a lasso around your zits that have made their appearance thanks to your greasy pregnancy glowing face. Or perhaps just let it flap in the breeze so total strangers will have the pleasure of admiring your INCH LONG FACIAL HAIR that your sleep deprived eyes and soon-to-be-dead husband never saw. (Seriously, honey??? How could you let me go out in public like that??? Were your eyes still watery from my whale farts?) And I thought all this time the baby was sweetly cooing "Oooooooh," to me after he was nursing. Instead he was saying, "NOOOOOOO!" because he was horrified by his mother's facial tentacle as it tried to strangle him while he ate.

Oh, but those hormones did allow me to have a very adorable and sweet little boy. One that I just can't stop kissing (though now I fear for his life in case another rogue facial hair makes another assasination attempt). Funny enough, before having him, I couldn't stand how much people kissed babies. I would seriously get grossed out with a shiver up my butt every time I would see someone making out with a baby's head. (Please tell me I'm not the only one who gets butt shivers when I get wigged out!) Now? I totally get it. Apparently it's also thanks to those wonderful hormones that make a baby irresistible to smooch.  It's an instinctual behavior that we do to claim them. Like a mother cat licks her kittens, we drench our young with our saliva filled open-mouth kisses to say, "This adorable little bundle of poop is mine!" Hmmm....I guess this means I can stop licking him now. I was feeling so feline with my whiskers, I just couldn't help it.


  1. I just laughed incredibly hard....I have found a few long hairs after having the boys attached to my face...then fear that I am turning into the bearded lady from the taco bell for weeks on end :) sober away on that precious little man....before you know it he will be grown enough to say "stop it, mom. You are so embarrassing!"

  2. Egads, Mrswilcox! I AM the bearded lady from Taco Bell! That's where the whale farts came from. ;) Seriously- next time I see you and MsEdwards, y'all better let me know if my whiskers are flapping in the wind! I'm packing some tweezers with me at all times from here on out!

  3. ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


  4. I thought you'd get a kick out of that one, kuddles! My sis and I were crying we were laughing so hard at costco. Me out of abject humiliation, she because I was laughing so hard....and she was glad it wasn't her. ;)

  5. (after reading the above comment...I hope you didn't laugh so hard that a whate fart snuck out and blew everyone away in Costco...well, I'm sure you didn't cause I may have felt/smelt the aftershock in my townhome)

    girl, my tummy is sore now from laughing so hard at this post. I will def be sharing it with the hubby! It's about time someone is honest about pregnancy and all it's "joys".

  6. Oh lyteyz- didn't you feel the earthquake a few days ago? Whale farts, baby!