Saturday, September 22, 2012

Oops, I Did it Again.

So, anyways. Let’s get down to the nitty gritty.

(Ok- in order to truly “get it” the way I do, you really need to hear it with the right accent. Nachoooooo!)

One of my friends that I met here (the illustrious Regina who was the mastermind behind the Friday Fibre Friends) moved back to the States last month. She truly has been a bright light for me out here- always upbeat, funny, a fantastic fiber artist and an all-around wonderful person. I will definitely miss her, but I know that she and I will remain friends and I know I’ll see her again when we’re back Stateside.

She emailed me not too long ago and mentioned that hopefully we can do the Maryland Sheep and Wool Festival together one of these years (and then she said maybe I can be pregnant again for it…..yeah Regina….because that was the best part of it the last time.)

Once I pulled my eyes out from my skull after the biggest eye roll ever in the history of man, my reaction was, ummm….YES PLEASE! My sister, Lyteyz, and I had so much fun last year and adding Regina in the mix will just make for one heck of a ca-raaa-zy party. There will be laughter and fun and wool and alpaca and lots of fingering……yarns. (TEEHEE!)

Oh yes- the MDSW festival was ah-ma-zing, but being pregnant and being there isn't on my list of "things-to-do-when-I-get-back-home." I’m pretty sure we’re setting our cap at 2 babies, so by the time I get to go back to MDSW, either we'll be past that milestone, or this is going on record as the longest pregnancy EVER.

Wait. What's that? Oh yes. I'm preggers.


Oh dear Lord. The whale farts. They've returned.

After the initial shock wore off (and the gas cloud cleared) when we first found out (and no, it wasn’t unplanned- we’re at an age and stage in life where we felt like we should pop them out as quickly as possible- pew pew! But still….holy crap….I’m pregnant!?!), we’re finally settling into the idea that we’ll be parents of two soon. Two under two. Oh man. Please excuse me while I throw up scream pass out fart all of the above.

Needless to say, these last few months have been quite the emotional roller coaster for me.

We found out mid-July, the night before we went on holiday to Melbourne (which I still need to blog about). The next day at the airport, the roller coaster started to derail. I went to the restroom before boarding the plane and saw what every pregnant woman dreads seeing when they go the bathroom- especially a pregnant woman who has suffered a loss before. Who knew that such a small amount of blood could turn a world upside down?

Needless to say, our Melbourne trip wasn't the greatest vacation we've ever had. Instead of touring the city, I got pretty intimate with the Melbourne’s Women’s hospital. We got a scan while there, but instead of reassuring us, it actually made us panic more. When we got home, we scheduled another sonogram for one week after our initial scan. That one wasn't very reassuring, either. The very next day, my dad died.

Happy birthday to me.

So, I was battling jet lag, morning sickness, pregnancy fatigue, and a jet lagged baby while traveling all the way across the world, without my Mister there to be my rock, on top of dealing with the possibility that I may have another miscarriage (I was spotting again) and, that icing on the cake, my dad just died.

You guys- I was not in the best place- emotionally, physically, spiritually. Dark clouds, indeed.

I am so very thankful for my friend Ronda who was truly a Godsend for me during this time. Without her, I would have been oh so lonely and may have murdered a family member or two. (Everybody deals with grief in different ways, but sometimes people need to remember they aren’t the only ones grieving- just something to think about if and when any of you lose a loved one…)

I tend to internalize my grief. I become stoic and put on a mask of calmness when internally there is a hurricane brewing. While working on getting things in order for my dad, I was internally preparing myself for the worst- trying to steel my heart against the searing pain I knew was inevitable. I was angry that I was having morning sickness when I was going to lose this pregnancy soon, and why was I pregnant, anyway? I really didn’t want this baby so things just better hurry up and end so that I could stop feeling so nauseated and I could get on with my life.

I really couldn’t wait to get back home. I missed my Mister terribly and I knew he was going crazy not being there with us and especially not being able to take care of me during the incredibly long journey back home. Thankfully, there were many people along the way that helped me with my luggage and carry-on. They saw a frazzled mom with a baby strapped to her front struggling with just getting on the plane- they had no clue I was 2 months pregnant and had just buried my dad. Those people really were answers to prayers!

Still, there were more prayers to be answered. Namely, how was I going to be able to handle another loss so soon after losing my dad? It wasn’t until a couple weeks after I got back to Oz that we were able to get another ultrasound- the one I knew would give me closure one way or the other. Either we would see a heartbeat, or we wouldn’t.

Well, much to my surprise, not only was that little heart pumping away, but our little fighter was bouncing around and waving as if to say, “I’m still here mama! WHEEEEEEE! You need to try this sometime!”

Seeing that little baby in there untied the knot that had been choking my heart ever since I first saw that cruel, red monster that day at the airport. Breath started to slowly fill my lungs once again and I knew I could start focusing on accepting that I was indeed pregnant instead of trying to convince myself that it would be better if I wasn’t.

There’s still a lot of stuff I’m dealing with (and a lot of it has to do with being pregnant….let’s just say pregnancy hormones and I don’t really get along, but more on that later), but, as I said last time, this has let some light break through those dark clouds that have been hovering around me as of late.

Last time around, I blogged so intermittently because I was thiiiiis close to having a nervous breakdown about our upcoming move. This time around, we’re not moving with a newborn (RIGHT, MISTER?!? Because I WILL kill you this time!), so hopefully I’ll be much more present from here on out.

So. Wow. I didn’t realize how freeing it would feel to get all that out. I still have some knots on my heart that need to be untied and some clouds that need to be chased away. But, I must say that I am indeed looking forward to this coming March. It’ll be interesting to see if our new addition will arrive on his/her daddy’s birthday, but I think it’s a very good sign that it’s coming during the month its mother is the most happy. Now, all I have to do is survive these next 6 months…..

Oh dear Lord. Please excuse me. I think I need to fart again.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes

Thank you all for all of your kind words and thoughts during this tough time- I truly appreciate it. It has been a tough time for me lately and, unfortunately, my dad’s death wasn’t the beginning but just icing on the cake, as it were. It’s been a tough year, really. Well, a tough couple years, actually, but this past year has been especially trying, I must admit.

Today marks the one year anniversary of our move to Australia. I can’t believe it’s been a whole year that we’ve been Down Under. I can’t believe Little Mister is already a year old- where did the time go?

And that’s part of the problem. I’m truly not sure where the time has gone because I have felt like I’ve been living in a cloud for the past year and these past two months have been the cloudiest of the bunch. Sure, there have been times when the sun would break through the clouds and I’d have moments of light, laughter, and joy, but unfortunately those sunny days have been few and far between as of late and I’m starting to look like sun-deprived Gollum. Metaphorically- in my heart- I mean. I’m too darn really, really, ridiculously good looking to look like him in real life. I mean, I have at least five teeth, so come on.

Well, there has been more stuff going on in these last couple months than just dealing with my dad’s passing. Yes, it’s added to the clouds, but it’s also the reason some light is starting to break through once again. It’s quite life changing, quite honestly, so I’ll share it all with you in the upcoming week. That’s one thing I want to do to start letting the light shine again- blogging more. I’ve not been able to see the funny in life recently, but yet when I sit down and start letting the words flow on paper, somehow the funny, no matter how small or absurd, sneaks in there and I need to see and feel that again.

One bright spot this past year has always been Little Mister. Even in those very very VERY sleep deprived days, he’s always managed to make us smile and laugh. I’m happy to report that, as of our return from New Mexico last month, he’s FINALLY been sleeping through the night. You know, God promised that He’d not give us more than we can handle and I honestly believe that He knew I couldn’t handle more sleep deprivation on top of everything else lately so He miraculously let him start sleeping through the night as soon as we returned home. It could be the bourbon I’ve been sneaking in his sippy cup at night, but I choose to believe it was answered prayer.

So, once again, thank you all for your kindness. Here’s hoping this one year anniversary marks the beginning of some bright, sun-shining days. Whatever these days may bring, I think I’m ready to attack it Gangnam Style. Because, really, if I could dance as awesomely as that, I could conquer the world.

(Am I the only one who, when he says, "Heeeeeey sexay laday!" feels like he's speaking directly to me? It's like my own, personal Korean love song and it makes me feel beautiful, man. *sniff*)