Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Noob Mother Mistakes 101

Or, Lessons Learned The Hard Way While Out In Public Today

1) Never schedule a doctor's appointment around baby's feeding time. Especially if you have never nursed in public before and ESPECIALLY if your baby sounds like a deranged badger foraging for grubs. Grunting, smacking of the lips, and slurping in the waiting room are embarrassing enough, but when the "grunt, lift leg, and fart for all you're worth" action gets going, all you can do is laugh maniacally in hopes others will follow suit.

2) Always check the diaper bag to ensure proper sized clothing, or any at all, are included. This is especially important when the "super farts" turn into "traveling poops" and make a mad dash up your baby's back. Changing the diaper helps, but the large, smelly yellow spot on the back of your baby's onesie might as well be a neon sign saying, "MY MOM DOESN'T KNOW WHAT SHE'S DOING. CALL CPS IMMEDIATELY."

3) In addition to a second (or even third) baby outfit, throw a second outfit for yourself in the diaper bag, as well. That way when you don't have your Boppy and you're trying out a new breastfeeding hold for the first time, in public no less, you'll have backup clothing to hide the huge darkening wet spots that emerges on your shirt and pants after your baby plays "Latch On, Latch Off, Daniel San" over, and over, and over again.

4) When you say, "Note to self, cut baby's nails," in your previous blog post, it's best to follow through and trim those talons ASAP.  Gnawing off your baby's nails in public is a social faux pas no matter how daintily and discreetly you think you are doing it.

5) Take detailed notes of all the humiliation the little one put you through. It may come in handy when he is a teenager and says, "You're embarrassing me, mom!" Vengeance is sweet, my love. Muaha. Muahahaha. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!


  1. This is silly. I cant even tell you how many time my son peed on his dad. AHHH....thankfully we are potty training. Or not thankfully cause now we squat mid walk through the store or park and grab either the front or the back depending on what we have to do and cry mamamamamama. Ya, so it gets better in a way. ;) I did end up keeping 1 diaper bag packed permantly in the car with extra clothing, for all of us, wipes, snacks, and diapers. (you will be thankful for this trust me) I also would have my traveling diaper bag continuously packed so even if we had issues I had extras in the car. Good luck, and I assure you everyone who has a kid went through what you are.

  2. Haha! Oh man- picturing the "Mamamamama!" is too funny. :) oh yes- Little Mister seems to wait until daddy is changing him to pee all over the place. Big Mister doesn't find it as amusing as I do. Strange. ;) Snacks! Sooo important to have and I always forget them! Thanks for your tips! Operation "Be Prepared!" goes into effect ASAP!

  3. ROTFLMAO! All I can say is I am glad to be past THAT stage.....but oh boy, on to the 'next' stage. Always something 'fun' to deal with! (Note the multiple use of parens for apparantly no good reason).

    Keep up the good work!


  4. Oh boy, kuddles- can't wait to see what "fun" is coming my way. Probably a lot mire embarrassing stuff. Rude, crude, and socially unacceptable sounds? Rouge poop running down his legs?? Bring it! :)

  5. Oh yes, motherhood will forever raise the level of public embarrassment you can tolerate! Thanks for the laugh, even though my kids are now 12 and 15, I still remember those new mommy moments.

    Oh, and you want to know what the future might hold? How about when your daughter is 5 and goes to a playdate with a new friend, and you don't check to see what she packed to take along in her backpack. And it turns out she took all of your "special occasion" nightwear that she wanted to play dress-up with because it's so silky and lacy and pretty! Wow was that awkward when I went to pick her up.

  6. BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh my goodness Julie- that made me LOL for reals. Note to self, lock up all drawers everywhere in the house, especially if the kids take after their mother. (I may have learned a thing or two about the birds and the bees by snooping through my parents' drawers when I was supposed to be putting away the laundry. Hey- they invited the mischief by having me do that particular chore. My conscience is clear.)