Or, Lessons Learned The Hard Way While Out In Public Today
1) Never schedule a doctor's appointment around baby's feeding time. Especially if you have never nursed in public before and ESPECIALLY if your baby sounds like a deranged badger foraging for grubs. Grunting, smacking of the lips, and slurping in the waiting room are embarrassing enough, but when the "grunt, lift leg, and fart for all you're worth" action gets going, all you can do is laugh maniacally in hopes others will follow suit.
2) Always check the diaper bag to ensure proper sized clothing, or any at all, are included. This is especially important when the "super farts" turn into "traveling poops" and make a mad dash up your baby's back. Changing the diaper helps, but the large, smelly yellow spot on the back of your baby's onesie might as well be a neon sign saying, "MY MOM DOESN'T KNOW WHAT SHE'S DOING. CALL CPS IMMEDIATELY."
3) In addition to a second (or even third) baby outfit, throw a second outfit for yourself in the diaper bag, as well. That way when you don't have your Boppy and you're trying out a new breastfeeding hold for the first time, in public no less, you'll have backup clothing to hide the huge darkening wet spots that emerges on your shirt and pants after your baby plays "Latch On, Latch Off, Daniel San" over, and over, and over again.
4) When you say, "Note to self, cut baby's nails," in your previous blog post, it's best to follow through and trim those talons ASAP. Gnawing off your baby's nails in public is a social faux pas no matter how daintily and discreetly you think you are doing it.
5) Take detailed notes of all the humiliation the little one put you through. It may come in handy when he is a teenager and says, "You're embarrassing me, mom!" Vengeance is sweet, my love. Muaha. Muahahaha. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!