Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Fine. I'll talk. But I Won't Like It. Well, Maybe a Little.

Why, hello there chickadee! Fancy seeing you here. Come around here often? You do?? That’s funny because I apparently don’t.

Thank you to those of you who have been inquiring about me. I really do appreciate it! However, it’s when my close friends and family start asking, “Hey, you still alive? Haven’t heard from you in a while….” that I know I need to stick my head out of my cave and blearily blink my eyes at the sun and wearily croak, “Yes I’m here! Now get off my lawn you dang whipper snappers!” and then slowly turn myself around and drag myself back into the abyss, grunting with the effort I expended by being social.

So. Hi. I’m still here. Doing….aiight. Actually, I had started a few blog posts since my last one letting y’all know that things have been going much better since entering the second trimester….but then things were not going so much better so I abandoned those posts. And then, thanks to an email from Libby drawing my attention to this hilarious story, I started a post on poop and it made me laugh and then I couldn’t find a way to finish it so I left it in the crapper. (Though it’s still relevant and I will post it eventually. You have been forewarned.)

There are good days and bad days and for a while the good were outnumbering the bad but then the bad came out a-swingin’. But I do think the good are starting their rally once again. I can tell because I started reading again. Well, actually I should say that I’ve finished what I started reading- in the last few months I started 3 different books and didn’t finish any of them but have now in the last week finished 3 books. None of which were the ones I started earlier. Huh. Go fig.

Reading is a good sign. I stopped doing things that made me “me” including reading and *gasp*shock*horrors* even crocheting. (!!) I haven’t picked up my hooks since the end of July and even my Mister is trying to get me back by waving wool under my nose hoping the smell will waft its way into my control center and turn things around.

I think he was most concerned when I told him I was seriously thinking of selling all my yarn. (!!!) I KNOW!! What the heck has happened to me?? At first I was so frantic and freaked when we first moved here that I sought solace in my yarn. I was all, “I NEED TO BUY ALL THE YARN!” and just about did that. Now the tide has swung and I’m all, “GAH! There is too much yarn! Where am I going to put the baby??” and then I think how much more comfortable she’ll be if she had a proper crib and not just shoved in the closet on top of her mom’s mountain of yarn. I mean, it was cute when I did it with Little Mister, but now I’m going to have a second baby and that makes me a Real Mom now, right? And instead of finding comfort in my stash, I'm feeling overwhelmed because it's much too large for our house and I'll never be able to use it all in my lifetime and it's going to attract moths and my kids are going to be embarrassed about their yarn hoarding mother and all of the homemade things she makes and the way she keeps muttering under her breath, "Baa baa black sheep have you any wool? THEN GIVE IT TO ME!"


Oh yeah. Did ya catch those pronouns I threw your way? We’re having a little girl! EEEEEEEP!!! Of course, there’s always a possibility the ultrasound tech was wrong, but from the looks of it, there was no stem on that apple. I had a feeling it’d be a girl. Years ago, way before I’d even started thinking about having kids, I would have dreams of having a boy, then a girl, then twins- a boy and girl. When we had Little Mister, I knew he’d be a boy. Now that we’re having a girl, I’m totally freaking out because WHAT THE HECK AM I GOING TO DO WITH TWINS??? Because, logically, of course, that’s what’s going to happen since I’m obviously able to tell the future with my dreams. I told My Mister that I’m scared to get pregnant again and he said, “Yeah, that wouldn’t be good. You become a different person when you’re pregnant.”

After I burst into tears, farted and then yelled, "TWINS WILL GIVE ME HEMORRHOIDS FOR SURE!!" I had to concede his point.

Yeah. Like I said last time, pregnancy and I don’t really get along all that well. Those dang hormones really mess with me hardcore. Yes, with both pregnancies I’ve had extenuating circumstances that have weighed on me (an international move and my dad’s death, respectively), but I know that it’s more than just that.*

Anywho…thanks again to those of you who have been asking about me. You have no idea how much it means to me. I’m sorry I’m not better about keeping in touch. I think I’m going to declare bankruptcy on emails for now. I haven’t been checking FB, either, so, for friends and family, I’m sorry if you’ve been trying to get in touch with me that way. I’ve not been a complete hermit and have been forcing myself to be at least a little social. I even attended a book club meeting a couple weeks ago and actually had fun! But for the most part I'm torn between wanting to go out amongst the living and actually have fun, or staying home wrapped in bubble wrap waiting for March to hurry up and get here before I really do say the things I'm thinking to all the stupid people of the world. (No, seriously- my tolerance for dumb folks really plummets when I'm pregnant. For my previous co-workers who are reading this: Can you imagine how much I had to bite my tongue with some of our clients last time?? And for my previous clients who are reading this: No. I'm not talking about you.)

Good night, good morning, and good afternoon everyone!

*I’m putting this here for women who may be googling things like I was and finding so very little info on the topic: pre-partum or prenatal depression is real and does not only affect women who were on medications prior to pregnancy and who then abruptly stopped them when they found out they were pregnant. This is a good series of first person accounts, but unfortunately they are all women who fall into the “previously medicated” category. It hit me very hard during the first trimester, has definitely eased up in the second trimester, though still rears its ugly head from time to time, and if it’s going to be like last time, the third trimester is going to be hell. Granted, I was super stressed about the move last time and was in constant excruciating pain, as well. This time there’s no move looming ahead of me and I’m not in constant pain, though it’s still relatively early yet and the physical issues I faced previously have returned (pelvic girdle and pubic symphysis dysfunction…..more on those loverlies later.)

I know I’m not alone with this issue, but goodness, there’s a ton of info and first person accounts on POSTpartum depression, but while you’re pregnant, the possibility of being depressed seems to be verboten. Not every woman is a happy, shining goddess, becoming one with the life that is forming within her, who is just glowing from all the happiness she is filled with. Some of us are miserable, bloated whales who can’t wait for the torture to end so that we can expel all the gas and negativity that we are filled with. At least this time around I know what’s happening….last time I wondered what was wrong with me since I wasn’t like all those other women who just *loved* being pregnant, rubbing their bellies with awe and joy. 

I readily admit I do NOT enjoy being pregnant. Every pregnancy is different and I had high hopes for this one, but unfortunately, those negative feelings returned. It's more than just feeling uncomfortable- like my Mister says, I become a different person when I'm pregnant. Feeling the baby kick is very cool, I must admit, but it's so much better when they are on the outside kicking everyone rather than on the inside kicking your bladder, you know? Anywho...if you stumbled upon this post from googling prepartum depression or prenatal depression, I want you to know you are not alone and you are not crazy. Well, you kinda are, but it's a temporary crazy and does get better once the baby is born. Go talk to your doctor about it. If they just brush you off and tell you your fears, anger, and anxiety are normal, find another doctor who will take you seriously. Sure, a little anxiety about becoming a new parent is normal, but when it is all encompassing and prevents you from living a normal life and makes you think it might be better if you never had this child because you already dislike it, then it is NOT normal. Especially if your pregnancy was planned and the baby was definitely wanted prior to you actually becoming pregnant. Having the baby will definitely change your life and, if you have prepartum depression, it will definitely change your life for the better.