A "Relaxing" Weekend...Or, "OH DEAR GOD THE PAIN!"

Oh my wow, peoples. My body is so sore. It feels like I’ve been run over by a steam roller- all my muscles are screaming obscenities at me. I’d love to tell y’all it’s because I’ve been working out so hard core that I’m making your puny little muscles jealous just by being in the same room with me, but I really don’t want to brag about how much better I am than you all that much. *preening haughtily*

Ok, ok. The truth is that I just came from one of the most intense therapeutic massages ever in the whole world. EVER. Holy moly. How does one little woman pack such a punch in her tiny little hands?? It’s like I turned over and she activated her bionic Hulk hands to start kneading the muscles off my bones leaving me a whimpering puddle of goo on her table. A *naked* puddle of goo, to boot.

One good aspect of this is that she validated what I’ve always known: I have buns of steel. She may have used the words “extremely tight gluteals and hip flexors” but we all know that really means I have one heck of a fine derriere.

We started the session with me face up while she worked on my neck and throat area. I told her I had been having headaches so she worked on the base of my skull by sticking her hand up my armpit and shoving aside anything blocking her way. I can honestly say that I no longer feel pain there anymore. I no longer feel anything there at all. I may have left half my skull there for all I know. Ahhhh…sweet relief.

I then had to roll over, self-conscious that this lady was going to see my nude postpartum body, but after karate chopping my neck a few hundred times, I figured her retinas deserved to be seared. That’s right, lady. Take it allll in.

Now. Now is when the *real* work began. It’s like she had x-ray vision and could see the exact spots to poke at, making me writhe and moan in agony. I’m pretty sure she said in her Swartzeneggar voice, “Stop crying like a little girl baby,” as she was getting the kinks out of my shoulder via my spleen. I had to take a double take at her license on her wall- I could have sworn it said, “Hades College of Massage- Beelzebub, Master Masseur.”

She continued down my back, massaging my toes through my ribs, and then she came upon my extremely tight buns of steel. I was so afraid I was going to blast her with the amazingly powerful fart I had lined up, but I’m pretty sure that would have somehow given her even more magical powers from her Dark Underlord Master. I’m not sure what she was digging for down there…seriously lady…is that your elbow? Why is my arm twitching that way? I’ve never convulsed like this before. Wait…what are you…..wait….WAIT…..YOOOOOOU SHALLL NOT PAAAASSSSSSSS! 

*trying to do an angry face but too busy flopping like a dead fish*

She then went back up my back, revisiting the places she obliterated before and finding new areas she missed when I realized that she really did draw on powers from below Mordor. I could only pray the Blood Of Jesus Christ over my back as I felt the fire in her finger tips as she went back up and down my spine. She claims they were “hot stones” but we all know that is code for “Fingers of Satan.”

She ended the session by gently placing her hands on my back and neck in a sort of Jedi move telling me, “These are not the muscles you were looking for.” She left the room, leaving me to pick up the pieces of my body that were now strewn all around me.

I somehow got up and dressed myself, documenting the various bruises and missing vertebrae. I’m not sure what she put in the water she left for me to drink but it must have been something waaay powerful. So powerful that I somehow made another appointment with her in 3 weeks.

Dark powers, I tell you. Dark powers.

Wait...There's a Lesson in Here Somewhere...

So today I was on laundry load numero 105 when the power went out. Just out of the blue- kerblewy. And then it was back on again a couple minutes later. It was one of those times where you think the power company is just messing with your head- a kind of prank to see how many people use UPSs and how many now had blown out TVs and appliances. They couldn't care a fig if both my washer and dryer had all of my baby's clothes in them since they were too busy giggling and pointing at me while I kept pressing the refresh button on my laptop before it dawned on me that no power = no internets. Uggggghhhhh.

While this was going down, I was waiting for Little Mister to wake up so we could go to our friend, Miss A's house for a play date with her daughter, Miss E. Miss E is 2 weeks younger than Little Mister and she and Miss A moved here 2 weeks after we did, thus making us kindred spirits in our postpartum frenzied states. She and I have been going on (at least) 4-mile walks nearly every morning, making her a very important component of my regular exercising (ok, ok- the *only* component of my regular exercising) as of late.

Little Mister had a wonderful 2-hour nap which I was going to very gently wake him out of to ensure he didn't sleep all day long and thus never get back into the topsy-turvy daytime schedule we both are adjusting to. Instead, a workman that I was expecting later in the day decided that, since he was in the neighborhood, he would stop on by, ring the doorbell, and thus scare Little Mister awake. Now, I'm not one of those moms you read about on STFU, Parents who thinks that the world should stop while her baby sleeps and gets angry if someone audaciously decides to *gasp*shock*horrors* ring the doorbell instead of sending smoke signals from the driveway to get my attention. However, since I was literally minutes away from gently waking him up to see his eyes slowly open, witnessing the recognition dawning in his face while his adorable, toothy smile slowly spreads as he looks at me, I was just a leeeeetle perturbed that this guy came 2 hours early, even after I had *just* spoken with him on the phone and requested he come later. UGGGGGGGGHHHHH.

So, after soothing my poor, startled Little Mister, I hurriedly got him ready to go, changed his diaper and threw a spare one in his bag while trying to find my house key that my very sweet friend and neighbor returned to me after looking after our old, arthritic cat while we were gone.

ANYwho, in my haste, I forgot that I have to wash his "big boy" (convertible) car seat since he had a poopy-problem in it during our trip. So, I had to use his infant car seat once again. We no longer have the base ready to go in our car since we don't use this car seat anymore. That's ok since we can use it with or without the base and, since Miss A lives about a mile from us, there was no need to set up the whole contraption. (Even though Little Mister is a big boy for his age, he's nowhere near the 35 pound weight limit for this car seat, thus he's still able to safely use it.)

So. I securely buckle him into his car seat, throw some toys on him to keep him occupied for the 2 minute drive, and let the service man know we were leaving so, if he needed to get into the house, he should have come at 2:30 like I told him he should. (No, I didn't tell him that...but I was thinking it very loudly with a very haughty voice in my head. Take that, service man!)

I get into the car and try to remember that I once again have to drive on the left side of the road and by the time I finish telling myself, "OTHER SIDE OF THE ROAD, GEGE!" we were pulling into Miss A's driveway. As I hurriedly made the turn into her driveway, out of the corner of my eye I notice a blob of color swoosh in the back seat, at the same time hearing a soft *thud* behind me. As I'm running through the events leading up to this moment, it dawns on me that, without the base of the car seat in the car, I have to manually attach the car seat into the car with the seat belt. As the wheels are slowly turning in my head, I look behind me and see Little Mister's cute little toes waving at me at eye level. Since I didn't hear any crying, I let out a sigh of relief thinking, "No tears = I'm still a good mom."

I throw open my door and rip the back one off it's hinges to see Little Mister looking at me, upside down, with a look that said, "I'm not sure what happened, but I can see my toes from here, mama!" I debated for a few seconds whether or not to take a picture, but then I thought that there would be tangible evidence that could be given to the authorities, so I thought, "Nah. I'll just blog about it instead."

Once I ensure my Little Mister is ok, I take him out and then have to promptly sit down as my body convulses with a maniacal laughter that is tinged with relief, disbelief, and hope that there were no witnesses nearby. As I furtively look behind my shoulders, I finally pull myself together and ring Miss A's doorbell.

We had a great play date, but as it drew to a close, Little Mister decided that he was going to get sweet, sweet revenge for my earlier transgression. Miss E was ready for her nap, so I pick up Little Mister and am walking towards the door, idly chatting with Miss A when Little Mister does a huge, full body convulsion in my arms, grunting a slight, "Ugh!"while  nearly wrenching himself free. I clamp down on him thinking, "Not on my watch, bub! I'm a good mom!" And then, just as I'm starting to feel redeemed from the car seat incident, I also feel some wet warmth oozing down my arms and legs. As the wheels are slowly turning in my head, Miss A announces, "It's poop. Ohhh, it's poop," the horror evident in the slight quiver of her voice. With that one powerful push, he managed to splurt all over himself, me, and Miss A's carpet. UUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!

She quickly ushered me into the baby's room where I did my best to clean things up. Of course, since the power went out in the middle of the dry cycle earlier today, I had no extra clothes to put Little Mister in. (When will I ever learn?!?) So, I loaded him back up into his car seat, swaddled in a towel from Miss A, deeply humiliated about messing up her carpet (ok, ok....99.5% humiliated...the other .5% was thankful it wasn't my carpet. Sorry Miss A....just keeping it real!) but I would be danged if I didn't secure that car seat in the car with the seat belt this time.

Ohhh yeah. Who has two thumbs and wins Best Mom of the Year Award?

*smug smile on my face*

Me.

Silly Rabbit- Teeth Are For Food!

Whew! I'm pleased to report that, after around 34 hours of travel time, my Misters and I have arrived back safely home Down Under. There were lots of little snafus along the way (including one where they upgraded Big Mister to first class while banishing me to the very back of the plane with Little Mister on my lap...uh yeah. Thankfully for our marriage we got that one worked out.) but all-in-all, we got home safely and all I could think of was, "Oh dear Lord do I need to brush my teeth." Seriously. I think my teeth melted en route from Sydney. Heck, I think Little Mister's teeth melted when I kissed him. Blech.

Oh yeah...did ya catch that? Little Mister's TEETH. As in, multiple. When I last updated about his teething (right before Christmas), he had cut his first tooth. About 2 weeks later, his second bottom tooth showed up. About 2 weeks prior to our trip (about a month ago), both his 2 upper front teeth broke through at the same time. And then, right smack dab in the middle of our trip, 2 more top teeth broke through...again...at the same time.

My poor, poor Little Mister. Not only was he dealing with an international flight, jet lag, long car rides, meeting strange new people for the first time, and a toilet breath mommy, he was also dealing with a mouthful of teeth that decided to show up all at once. He was such a trooper on this trip. He really doesn't complain much at all and the only time he cried (instead of just fussed) was when mama couldn't control herself and ate cheese on her red chile enchiladas. I told myself it was ok to eat the cheese since he should have outgrown his dairy protein allergy by now and, since I was in New Mexico (which in Spanish means "Cheese is Life"), I was almost 100% certain that he wouldn't have a reaction since it's the Land of Enchantment, and we all know that "enchantment" means "magic" which means I CAN EAT THE MAGICAL CHEESE, DARNIT!

*hanging head in shame*
*magical shame*

So, no. He's not outgrown his allergy yet and I am back on track with my dairy free meal planning. I do hope he outgrows it soon- not for my benefit, but for his. If he doesn't outgrow it, he may have to be very strict with his food intake to prevent ingestion of any sort of dairy protein, which quite frankly is everywhere. For now, I don't worry about his food intake since the boy WILL NOT eat.

Yes. You read that correctly. He is 8 months old and refuses to eat food. As my dad asked, "Then how did he get so big? Just from you?" The answer: that's correcto-mundo.

I started offering him solids at 5 1/2 months, though he never really took to it. I kept offering him some foods every so often to see if he would magically discover that food is delicious, but to no avail. Right before we left on this trip, he was finally accepting some foods sometimes. However, during these last 2 weeks, whether due to the changes associated with travel, his teething, a growth spurt, or all of the above, he's refused to eat almost completely.

I'm not too worried about it. He's obviously thriving on breast milk, so I'm not concerned about his growth. Also, I know he knows how to eat, so I'm not worried that he'll be one of those kids who has to eat pureed foods until they're 10. I'll just keep offering foods to him while reminding him that I'm a professional in this area so he can trust me when I say, "Eat this" and hope he'll believe me sometime soon. Because Lord knows he's also not going to be one of those kids who is breastfed until he's 10, either. *shudder*

(I was just picturing the state of my boobs after breastfeeding for 10 years. Let's just say "fruit roll up" isn't a term you want associated with your breasts.)

Ahem. My eyes are up here, people.

Ok, I'm really fighting this jet lag hard and am very much losing the battle. My Mister just got home from work and I need to make him some dinner. Why he didn't take today off is beyond me. I would have called in "Jet Lag" and make them prove it's not a real sickness. And then I would have gone, "HAAAAAAAAAAAAA" and breathed on them. Because I'm mature like that.

Greetings from the Homeland!

Here it is. The last day of March- my most favoritist month of the year- and I’ve yet to post anything about either NatCroMo or NatNutMo (National Crochet Month and National Nutrition Month for those of you not in the loop). I know, I know. Bad Gege- no soup for you.

So, to make up for my lax blogging, I’ll make it up to you here and now. You ready?

EAT MORE HEALTHIER! AND, IF YOU DON’T CROCHET, DO IT NOW, MONKEYS!

Yeah- that’s right. I said “more healthier.” I never said this was NatGramMo, so I done did it and I ain’t gonna change it for nobody.

The truth is that, every time I sat down to write something, I just couldn’t find my voice. I’ve not been the happiest of campers these last few months- pregnancy, birth, moving and family issues really took their toll on me- and I really have been trying to get out of this funk. Even though I do love Australia, I must admit I’m not too crazy about the part I happen to live in. I feel so very far away from my family and friends and I have been feeling quite homesick recently.

I feel like I’ve been marinating in this very bleak, dreary bad mood for a long time- too long- and I really need to get back into life before Little Mister grows up before my eyes and I miss it all. I'm also pretty sure Big Mister is ready to have his cheerful, optimistic wife back and not this negative, complaining shrew that seems to have bashed her over the head and dragged her to the netherworld. Thankfully, a few things have been happening in the last few weeks that have given me a much needed happiness boost.

One thing is that I’ve been exercising fairly regularly which has always been something to lift my spirits. As such, the last few stubborn pregnancy pounds have slowly been melting off, as well, which is definitely something in the “positive” column. And, as my post title suggests, I am indeed back in the good ol’ US of A, which is just too amazingly wonderful for words. I drank 3 refills of Diet Coke at Chipotle just because I CAN GET FREE REFILLS HERE!! Little Mister was dancing the Macarena all night afterwards from the caffeine-laden breast milk, but dagnabbit- it was worth it. FREE REFILLS!!!! If that doesn’t make you feel proud to be an American, I don’t know what will.

I was able to shop at Michaels to buy some yarn that otherwise would have taken a month to arrive at my house. This yarn was very important because, since it is NatCroMo, I’ve been waving my hooks high and have been finishing up Little Mister’s blanket- the one I started a year ago but wasn’t able to finish before his birth and then didn’t want to finish because it’s fairly large and definitely too warm to use in the intense Australian summer. Now that the weather is cooling down, however, it’s time to finish his blanket-o-love. I was *thiiiiiis* close to completing it prior to our trip here but ran out of the main color. I was frustrated for about half a minute until I realized that I CAN GO TO MICHAELS AND BUY YARN. Is this a great country, or what??

We also visited an alpaca farm in Sandia Park, NM. Mmmmm.....alpaca. I'll write more on that later, though.

Couldn't take his hands off the alpaca. That's m'boy!

Hey you! Yeah you! You taking a picture of me?

We packed a lot into these last two weeks. We saw my grandmother- Little Mister's lone surviving great-grandparent- and both my parents and in-laws which was great, especially since my dad was the only grandparent who hadn’t seen Little Mister yet. He was unable to visit us prior to our move (part of the family issues…..GAH) and couldn’t wait to get his hands on his “Little Buddy.” He bought him his first pair of Chuck Taylors which brought a tear to my eye- such a proud mama!

He inherited his daddy's hair, but his mommy's shoes.  I win.

The biggest highlight (sorry mom and dad!) was getting to spend time with my sister and with Ronda. So much laughter and fun and food and laughter and catching up and then more food and even more laughter (and then crying) was shared. Oh how I needed that!!

We left New Mexico yesterday and will be flying back to Oz on Sunday. That gives me and my Misters today to enjoy some much needed downtime to reconnect and just chill before the extremely long journey back home. Yes, I’m sad to leave my family and friends again, but I am ready to be back home. And that’s how I know I’m starting to feel better. I’m ready to go back *home*. To Australia.

Oh man! What was that?? Out the window just there….a flying pig?? And…brrrrrr...I think I heard the news say that hell has frozen over??? I could have sworn that fat lady down the hall was singing! Or maybe it was just a loud fart…she was rather walrus-y, so who can tell for sure.

It’s the big one, Lord! I’m going HOME.

Oh give me a home
Where the kangaroos roam
Where the dingos and the walabies play.
Where seldom is spilled 
Because your drink’s not refilled,
And all the folks wish you g’day.

Playing Catch Up

Why, hello y'all!  Goodness- 2012 sure is passing by quickly- I can't believe it's the end of February already! On the one hand I'm glad since we are still battling the insane high temps of the Australian summer here and I'm really looking forward to some cooler temperatures so Little Mister and I can venture out of the house during the day without fear of frying into crispy bacon or developing melanoma or dazzling others when they see our skin sparkling in the sunlight. On the other hand....I don't want the time to go by so quickly because Little Mister needs to stay a cute little baby forever and ever! (Waaahhhhh! My boy is growing too quickly!)

Ahem.  I am better now.

In the last month:

* I finished my "secret project" and sent it off to the publisher the day before we headed out to the Gold Coast. It was a glorious feeling to get it finished, including ends weaved in and, gasp, shock, horrors! BLOCKED! (!!). I'm very happy to report that I did not felt the wool and was actually amazed to find that, instead of shrinking when first wet, wool actually *grows*. Like a lot. The end result ended up being huge, which was a great thing since it was slightly smaller than I had hoped when I finished crocheting it, but it more than reached my size goals after blocking. CANNOT.WAIT for the Fresh Designs in Crochet book series to come out!

* I liked blocking so much and was on such a roll, that I blocked out my very first lace project. I was on an intense wool high and was crazed with my new wool growing powers so I decided to continue ignoring Little Mister (the TV is such an AH-MAZ-ING babysitter) and finished the final few rows of my scarf and then blocked the snot out of it. I have pics to show...hopefully later this week.

* We had a glorious week on the Gold Coast and Brisbane. It was great having both my Misters all to myself and having help with Little Mister during the day AND not having to cook for a week. That's always a perk of vacation. We visited Sea World and the Australian Zoo- the zoo set up by the late Steve Irwin. We had so much fun! I even visited a craft store and a LYS...pics to come....

* As soon as we returned home, I got struck with giant, red, sore tonsils and then a fever of nearly 102.... Yep. Strep throat. AGAIN. This time I was so very worried that I was going to pass it on to Little Mister. Let this be a glowing endorsement of breast feeding- thanks to the antibodies in my breast milk, Little Mister never got sick at all! Even though I was kissing him all over his face with my cooties infested mouth (before I knew I was sick and contagious), he remained the picture of health and cuteness. Seriously. I have the world's cutest boy. I'm not biased- it's been scientifically proven.

AAACK! I die of cuteness!

* I have become addicted to Downton Abbey. A friend of mine loaned me the first season and I started watching it on my own while crocheting since Big Mister thought it was going to be one of my "silly girly shows" like Murder She Wrote (it's only because he's the father of my child that I have not ninja kicked him to the curb for bad-mouthing my beloved Jessica Fletcher!). However, once he returned from his business trip, I forced him to watch the first episode with me and now he's hooked. Granted, he'll never admit that, but considering after we watch one episode he sighs and says, "Ugghhhhh.....might as well watch another episode. There's nothing else on," which is code for, "Ohmygod- that Ms. O'Brien is totally a witch with a "b" and I so can't wait to see if Mary is going to go for Matthew afterall because it's totally obvious that they are each other's lobsters."

Ok...Little Mister is taking his nap. He's finally turned a corner sleep wise and has been taking 1-2 hour naps during the day!!  HALLELUJAH!

Hopefully I'll be able to get things done now- including more frequent blogging. I have so much to show and tell y'all!!

Until next time....