Thursday, September 18, 2014

My name is Gege, and I am a Hooker

Why, hello again! I know- I can’t believe it, either. Two posts in two consecutive days?? Craziness!

Well, like I said yesterday, I truly have been doing a whole lot better as of late and, as I mentioned before, my new crochet group, and specifically this event recorded here, has so much to do with it.*

You see, my crochet group isn’t just any ordinary crochet group. Yes, we crochet. Yes, we eat. Yes, we laugh and eat have a good time and eat. BUT! We are SO MUCH MORE!

You see, as of this moment, we have existed only in the whispers and the shadows of our little town. In the dark recesses and bowels of my living room have we conspired and devised to create such bright and beautiful stuff out of a whole lot of fluffy, yummy yarn. But still….dark….shadows…….mystery….oooooEEEEEoooooo!


It all started sometime last year- maybe around August or so. A lady had offered to donate her yarn stash that she was no longer going to use. (She was going to focus on other artistic endeavors and not her knitting or crochet anymore. I think, due to her obvious insanity, she is now in treatment at the local asylum.) I, being the yarn hog that I am, jumped at the opportunity to get my hands on more (FREE!) yarn. Her only request was that, whoever received it must make something with it to donate for the greater good of our town.

Well. The truth of the matter was that I not only intended to do something for the greater good for our town, but I also had no intention of keeping her stash for myself. (!!!)

I’ll wait until you’ve picked your jaw up off the floor and have composed yourself again….

Ahem.

You see, I have wanted, nay- DREAMED, of doing something a little bit crazy with my own yarn stash, but truly was having separation anxiety and panic attacks just thinking of letting even a little bit out of their air-tight containers because IT’S MINE! ALL MINE, I TELL YOU!!!

So, when this very generous lady offered up her stash, I knew exactly what I wanted to do with it.

I wanted to yarn bomb.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with yarn bombing, it’s basically graffiti made with yarn. It’s a way of creating street art without destroying property. It also takes a lot of covert planning, a lot of time, and a LOT of yarn.

Thankfully, this lady’s “couple of bags of yarn” turned out to be a whole living room-full of yarn.


There are two more boxes full not in the picture. (!!!)


I put the word out to fellow crocheters who may be interested and was pleasantly surprised that there were quite a few who wanted to join me in my nefarious yarn dealings. So, we got together and started scouting various spots in town to find just the right spot. I’m sure we looked oh so nonchalant with our measuring tapes and cameras as we continually looked over our shoulders to see if anyone was alerting the police.

Then we started planning, and stitching, and sewing, and getting more and more excited. We planned on attacking our target right before Christmas, so most of the things we made had something to do with Christmas- colors, snowflakes (because Australia is known for having a white Christmas), Santa Claus, mad dashes to the mall to be trampled while trying to get your hands on that one special “IT TOY” of the season, etc.

When we had everything stitched up and assembled, we then had to plan our attack carefully. You see, we didn’t know whether or not we’d get in trouble for this if we were to get caught. It is, after all, graffiti. Yes, it’s graffiti that can be easily removed without damaging any public property, but still, we were frightened out of our minds. This, of course, made it that much more exciting and interesting and, well, FUN. So, I, being the mastermind behind it all, decided to buy the four of us who volunteered to….display our work….some masks and hats so that if they checked the CCTV, our beautiful mugs wouldn’t be recognizable.


A beautiful mug



(Although, I did put on a full face of makeup just in case we were arrested. I wanted to ensure I looked really dang good for my first mugshot.) 

A beautiful mugshot


Then we snuck out of our houses under the cover of darkness, and without any support from our spouses. None of our husbands wanted to have anything to do with it- they didn’t want to be accessories to the crime nor be caught as the getaway drivers. Wussies. (Though one of them did offer to alert the others if we needed bail. How thoughtful!)

We parked as far away as we felt we safely could- far away enough to not link our (my) car with the “crime,” yet close enough that, if we had to outrun the PoPo, we had a fighting chance to reach it in time. (In reality, we just had to outrun our pregnant partner in crime. I’m sure they would have taken it easy on her.) And then, we were off. Four women in shiny masks and Christmas hats, carrying bags filled with obviously nefarious goods, trying to be all sneaky by dodging behind walls and humming the Bond theme song….oh yeah. We had this “criminal” thing down.

We got to our destination and quickly started our attack. We came armed with plastic zip ties so we wouldn’t have to waste time sewing, crocheting or stapling our works together (though we did have to sew just a bit....see that fearless masked woman below. She's amazing). We worked furiously fast so we could escape (hopefully) without notice and we had a strict, “NO EYE CONTACT!” policy just in case anyone happened to walk by us. 


YIPPE YI YO KI YAY, MO......oh wait....wrong movie


Our hearts were in our throats and then we nearly died when we saw a security car with two big, burly Aussie men pull up beside us. I’m not sure if it was the sight of us in our disguises or the fact that we had hooks and scissors and probably were just crazy enough to JACK THEM UP! But they smiled, waved and drove off.

Yeah. That’s right, big guys. DON’T BE MESSING WITH THE YARNIES!

And then, before we knew it, we were done.


Whew! So glad I left my rollerblades at home. We're in the clear.
 
HO HO HO- get it? Because of Christmas...and HOOKERS. GET IT???


We were so freaking exhilarated and high on adrenaline and proud that we scared off the security henchmen that we were literally skipping back to our getaway vehicle.

WHO WAS THAT MASKED WOMAN??


It truly, with no exaggeration, was the BEST NIGHT EVER! I had not had so much fun in ages! It was that night specifically that signaled to me that I was, honest and for reals, finally whole again. It was everything- the planning and coordinating of the project, the conspiracy with other like-minded people, the insane thrills of wondering if we would get arrested and, if we did, the absurdity of telling people why we got arrested….and the only thing that made it better was the aftermath.

You see, our little town tends to be a quiet little town with not too much excitement going on- especially during the summer months when it’s hotter than hades out here and most people migrate to cooler locations during this time- places like the Sahara or Death Valley. So, the next morning when people started going to work and came across our little Christmas decoration, news spread quickly. As a matter of fact, it was THE news for the next couple of days where even the local ABC radio station spent the morning trying to figure out who the heck was responsible for it. They had people calling in from all over Australia (for reals!) saying that they knew someone artsy/fartsy enough to be responsible for it. IT WAS AWESOME! We decided to create a twitter handle so we could live tweet the show and start answering some questions and let them know who we were….without letting them know who we were.

IT WAS SO MUCH FUN!

Our project brought some wonderful Christmas cheer to our little town and even the mayor was excited about it and wondered who these “Hookers” were. Once we knew we had an ally in the mayor, we knew we didn’t have to fear imprisonment the next time we decided to strike. (And there was a next time…..)

It was due to all the secrecy that I had not blogged about this before- I so wanted to yell it from the rooftops, but the secrecy was a big part of the fun!**

So, there you have it. A true, dark and mysterious tale filled with yarny goodness that resulted in Christmas cheer, and thankfully no arrests. And so, yes, Mr. Mayor. Alice1 has finally been unmasked. We have another hit planned shortly.....you have been warned.....

*The other part was that I sought treatment for my PPD and have, thankfully, come out the other side. I truly am, finally, MO BETTAH than I’ve been in years.

**I’ll let you know why I’m breaking my silence, while still keeping my co-conspirators anonymity, shortly…..

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