You know, grief is a strange thing. You may think that all is well and you are perfectly fine for a while and then....BAM! It hits you in waves you thought you had already survived. You feel like you had been treading water just fine, thank you very much, and then....BOOM! The tidal wave hits.
That's where I've been lately. Treading water and trying to keep my head above so that I won't drown.
No. I'm not able to discuss what has been causing this grief, but I've been trying to keep my head above it since the beginning of December. I thought I was doing well since I was able to “keep my New Year's Resolutions” for a while. Even managed to make an entertaining blog post or two. But, the fact of the matter was that I was ignoring the hurt and pain. It's been nearly 7 months since this grief first showed it's ugly little head and nearly that long that I was able to ignore it- push it aside since I am a “strong” girl. Well, it turns out that I'm not superhuman after-all and I need to be able to ride those waves instead of trying to duck them at every pass.
I've been doing a lot better in the past month or so. I've not been hiding in my books or trying to duck those waves by playing hours upon hours of video games. There's not much I truly remember since January (I really should re-read my blog posts to see what I was up to) since I was mainly coasting on autopilot and showing the world (or at least my friends/loved ones....even myself) that I was ok. I wasn't ok. But, I'm getting there.
I thought I was getting “ok” over a month ago when I got off that lousy medication that muted the Me I remember. I was getting “ok” but wasn't truly all there. Today is the first day in nearly 3 months that I picked up my beloved crochet hooks. I hadn't read a book since my last posting on The Thirteenth Tale I made months ago....that was when I was trying to prove to myself that I was fine.
I'm slowly but surely now facing those ugly feelings and emotions that I tried so hard to brush under the rug. I know it's healthy for me and I know that I should have done this months ago. But, I was “too strong” back then. Now, I know that it's not really strength that allows you to ignore pain- it's strength that allows you to get through it. I'm becoming stronger now.
I saw a pattern on Ravelry that awakened my spirit. My Mister has been telling me for quite a while that I need to start crocheting again- get my creative juices flowing. I kept telling him (and myself), “Yeah! Of course! I have a project on my mind that I want to flesh out.” But, the truth of the matter was that I was trying to convince us both that I was “me” again. I wasn't. I've been feeling “me” trying to burst through that hard shell I've been building up around myself for awhile and I think that today I've finally made it through the cracks that have been forming. I started crocheting today.
So, dear blog readers, I'm sorry I've not been here updating as much as I would have liked to, filling page upon page with the ideas that used to swarm my brain. I've muted out those voices and pictures for a while and am just now finding them again. I'm starting a project that isn't one that I created- when I saw it, it was like a spark lit the fuse in my heart and I've missed that feeling. It started awakening parts of me that have been dormant for a while. I've got lots of projects that are almost done- and have been almost done for months- that have caught my eye. I want to finish them now. I think I'm ready to at least try.
So. Here I am. Trying to keep my head above the water. The colors and pictures that were alive in me are starting to reawaken. I hope they stay- I've missed them. I've missed me.
Here's to the Summer of Awakening 2010. I hope to see you all there.