OH.MY.LANTA. My lungs! My legs! My poor bruised butt! Oh the humanity!
Just so you all know, I am not a runner. I have never been a runner. I’ve been active and athletic my whole life, but I’ve never been a runner. I don’t run well, don’t run fast, and definitely don’t run attractively. I thought I could transform myself into a runner and even bought a treadmill to start “running” because it’s supposedly a wonderful way to get in shape and lose weight and get that “runner’s high” that so many people talk about.
Balderdash! Balderdash, I say! The only thing that is “high” when I run are my shorts as they are racing up my buttocks as if they are embarrassed to be seen on a girl who so obviously should not be seen doing that thing with the arms and the legs. (And the panting and the wheezing and the dying.)
I not only do not run well, but when I do run, I do it with distinction. I found out this unique trait of mine a few years ago when I was an extra in War of the Worlds. Yes, I got to meet Tom Cruise and Steven Spielberg. Funny that they never called to congratulate me on winning a Best Actress Award. See, Steven?? That could have been you all proud about directing me, an award winning actress, but no. You chose to ignore my obvious talent all those years ago. Well, your loss buddy. I guess you just learned that you should never judge an actress by the way she tries to run. *I sure showed him*
I got to film a scene (along with a hundred other extras) with Tom Cruise where we run up a hill towards the end of the movie. Tommy (that’s what I call him) was exceptionally nice and shook everybody’s hands and was really down to earth. Now, this was Tom Cruise before he got all crazy “couch jumping” with Katie, but very shortly after breaking up with Penelope Cruz.
|A sneakily taken picture of them adding a squib? Or adjusting his platform shoes? OOOOO! Burn!|
I remember this for two reasons. One: We were all trying to get a picture of the girl-who-was-NOT-Penelope with whom he was seen in between takes; however we weren’t allowed to take pictures or else our cameras would be confiscated. (Stupid Tom Cruise.) And, Two: at least four of my fellow extras asked me if I was Penelope Cruz.
Of course I said, “Why yes, yes I am. Would you like my autograph?” Except I said it like this, “Why jes, jes I jam. Would jew like my ow-toe-grrraf?
|Because Penelope Cruz wore braces and liked posing with random blown up men.|
ANYways….once the movie came out, my Mister and I watched it together, hoping that my big screen debut didn't end up on the cutting room floor. When the scene I was in finally started, we carefully searched the hoards of running extras to see if I could somehow be seen and, what do you know?!? You can totally see me! I STARRED IN A MOVIE WITH TOM CRUISE!!!
My Mister was so excited and exclaimed, “There you are! I can tell by the way you run!”
Ermmm….what? Maybe he meant, “There you are! I thought it was Penelope Cruz at first but realized that you are so much hotter!”
I chose to ignore his obviously misspoken declaration of love, but I couldn’t ignore it when my dad called me and said, “I saw you in the movie! I could tell it was you by the way you run!”
DUDE. How the heck do I run??
So this morning, needless to say, I'm already self conscious about my running ability, though having a huge stroller in front of me kind of offsets the awkwardness and lets me play it off, if only a little bit. "No, no. I'm not having a seizure- it's just crazy hard running while pushing this heavy stroller which I do because I am an amazing super fit mega babe. If it wasn't for this stroller, I'd be a freakin' gazelle."
Throw in being seen with actual runners who know how to run well and have run marathons and stuff...let's just say I wasn't exactly the epitome of self confidence this morning. After bringing up the rear the whole way, and being the one to request the walking breaks to recover from the
Maybe I should give my good friend Tommy a call to help coach me. He's an amazing runner. And not *at all* crazy anymore. If only he'd return my calls every once in a while... Stupid Tom Cruise.