Hormones....Nothing More Than...Hormones....

Faster than a nervous breakdown! Able to make grown women weep like a baby! Up in your brain! It's a wrinkle! It's a fart! NO! It's SUPERHORMONES!

Ah yes. Those wonderful, wacky, all-controlling chemicals have some AH-MA-ZING effects on women- especially those of us who have experienced pregnancy and childbirth.  Shall I run down some of the more scrumptious effects for you?

Let me see.... Oh yes- one of the top ten in the Pregnant & Hormonal Woman repertoire: GAS, GAS AND MORE GAS!  Not only is your digestive system slower, but you also have an ever growing mass of HUMAN BEING exerting pressure on all facets of your internal plumbing. Eat some beans? OH GOODY! Here comes a rumbling fart. Waddle down the stairs? FART FART FART with every step! Attempt to bend over to look at the toes you know were once there? Burp! And then fart again, just for good measure! A classic Burp-n-Fart tag team! Also occurs when you roll over in bed, especially if you're rolling over trying trying to seduce your husband with your sexy, sexy, whale of a body. Mmmmm.....whale farts. Never have I felt more manly than during the womanly act of pregnancy.

Hmm....what's another fabulous bodily function under the All-Powerful Hormone's control? How's about some Emotional Instability for ya?  How's about them apples, huh? Someone ask a stupid question like, "What's the baby's name?" for the eleventy bagillionth time? HULK SMASH YOUR FACE! For reals, dad! We did not have a name for him until he was four days old! It was not some sort of conspiracy against you getting a tattoo with his name blazoned across your chest! I wanted to scream like a banshee every time someone asked the same question over and over and over again. STOP PRESSURING ME!! We'll name him Turd Head after you, you stupid cow! O.M.G. I'm going to poop on my poor little baby's head during labor and then he really is going to be a turd head, all because we can't think of a name for him. My precious little baby boy is *sobbing* going to hate me forever *crying uncontrollably* because I pooped on his head and then spent the first few years of his life in jail for ripping that stupid lady's pancreas out of her big stupid mouth!

How about the good aspects of pregnancy hormones? You know- the ones heard of in myth and legend. Such as a "pregnancy glow." Sweet! Oil slicks on your face to make you a bright and shiny farting whale! How about thick, luscious long hair? Oh so amazing.....ON YOUR FACE!!! And, if you're as lucky as I am, you won't realize you have such long, luxurious facial hair until this past weekend when you are shopping at Costco with your sister who oh-so-helpfully tries to take that inch-long "cat hair" off your cheek only to drop it in horror as it makes your lip do an Elvis impersonation since it's firmly attached and has no intention of letting go. EVER. It wants to stay there and grow and grow and grow so you can use it for dental floss one day. Perhaps perm it or twist it behind your ear. Use it as a lasso around your zits that have made their appearance thanks to your greasy pregnancy glowing face. Or perhaps just let it flap in the breeze so total strangers will have the pleasure of admiring your INCH LONG FACIAL HAIR that your sleep deprived eyes and soon-to-be-dead husband never saw. (Seriously, honey??? How could you let me go out in public like that??? Were your eyes still watery from my whale farts?) And I thought all this time the baby was sweetly cooing "Oooooooh," to me after he was nursing. Instead he was saying, "NOOOOOOO!" because he was horrified by his mother's facial tentacle as it tried to strangle him while he ate.

Oh, but those hormones did allow me to have a very adorable and sweet little boy. One that I just can't stop kissing (though now I fear for his life in case another rogue facial hair makes another assasination attempt). Funny enough, before having him, I couldn't stand how much people kissed babies. I would seriously get grossed out with a shiver up my butt every time I would see someone making out with a baby's head. (Please tell me I'm not the only one who gets butt shivers when I get wigged out!) Now? I totally get it. Apparently it's also thanks to those wonderful hormones that make a baby irresistible to smooch.  It's an instinctual behavior that we do to claim them. Like a mother cat licks her kittens, we drench our young with our saliva filled open-mouth kisses to say, "This adorable little bundle of poop is mine!" Hmmm....I guess this means I can stop licking him now. I was feeling so feline with my whiskers, I just couldn't help it.

Baby Showers

I was starting to write a different blog post right now but was distracted while My Mister was changing the baby’s morning poop diaper. As soon as he took off the diaper, he was sprayed with morning pee. Cracks me up every time since I never get peed on. Must be a special bond with his dad.

Big Mister: Ugh! You have a dirty weewee! And now your head is all wet.
Little Mister: cooooo *gummy smile*
Me: *secretly snickering since I don't get peed on so I must be loved the best*
Me: *ashamed to think it's a competition*
Me: *totally winning the love competition*.

Noob Mother Mistakes 101

Or, Lessons Learned The Hard Way While Out In Public Today

1) Never schedule a doctor's appointment around baby's feeding time. Especially if you have never nursed in public before and ESPECIALLY if your baby sounds like a deranged badger foraging for grubs. Grunting, smacking of the lips, and slurping in the waiting room are embarrassing enough, but when the "grunt, lift leg, and fart for all you're worth" action gets going, all you can do is laugh maniacally in hopes others will follow suit.

2) Always check the diaper bag to ensure proper sized clothing, or any at all, are included. This is especially important when the "super farts" turn into "traveling poops" and make a mad dash up your baby's back. Changing the diaper helps, but the large, smelly yellow spot on the back of your baby's onesie might as well be a neon sign saying, "MY MOM DOESN'T KNOW WHAT SHE'S DOING. CALL CPS IMMEDIATELY."

3) In addition to a second (or even third) baby outfit, throw a second outfit for yourself in the diaper bag, as well. That way when you don't have your Boppy and you're trying out a new breastfeeding hold for the first time, in public no less, you'll have backup clothing to hide the huge darkening wet spots that emerges on your shirt and pants after your baby plays "Latch On, Latch Off, Daniel San" over, and over, and over again.

4) When you say, "Note to self, cut baby's nails," in your previous blog post, it's best to follow through and trim those talons ASAP.  Gnawing off your baby's nails in public is a social faux pas no matter how daintily and discreetly you think you are doing it.

5) Take detailed notes of all the humiliation the little one put you through. It may come in handy when he is a teenager and says, "You're embarrassing me, mom!" Vengeance is sweet, my love. Muaha. Muahahaha. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Superpower-ish

I swear- having company coming over is the key to unlocking Flash-like superpowers in the otherwise super-slothful and house-cleaning challenged. I've never been so productive in a span of an hour and a half as I was today. (Yes-he's back to eating every 2 hours again. Don't know what's going on with that boy, but he's growing like a weed.) As soon as Little Mister fell asleep after his feed, I popped him off, threw him in his car seat (where all the cool babies take a nap) and flew like the wind, throwing laundry in the dryer then, WHOOSH! I was off to unload and reload the dishwasher, then KAZAAM! I was vacuuming so fast, the cat thought her nemesis was self propelling and could suck her up at any moment. (Side note- it is really sad that my 12 year old cat is still afraid of the sound of the vacuum. Perhaps if I used it more frequently, she'd be used to it by now.)


At the next napping break, I was so drunk with my new found superpowers that I figured I'd use them on my crochet projects. I finally finished my alpaca Cow(L) yesterday and just need to block it. However, in my cleaning frenzy, I had thrown it in my "get-to-later" box, otherwise known as "people-are-coming-over-and-I-must-hide-the-clutter" box. Also, I've never blocked anything before, so I don't know how I'm going to block a mobius. However, I did have my bag of hexagons that I started working on for my Carnival-like shawl.and figured blocking individual motifs would be easier than blocking a large circular wrap. Ahhh...my naivety is so cute sometimes.

Crocheted by MyDailyFiber who has amazing stuff on her blog and on Ravelry

ACK! How pretty is that?  I love how the hexagons make swirls when sewn together. It's like they're hypnotizing me. While I was hypnotized into wasting time researching my yarns on Ravelry, I came across this beautiful knit version that utilized Jojoland Melody Superwash which I bought last year on one of my yarn binges.

From Jojoland yarns

ACKK!! Pretty colors makes it even better!  I love the colors of the knit version, but I like the way the hexagons make swirls in the crochet version. So I, being the genius that I am, am combining the better looking crochet version with the better colors of the knit version.

Here are some of my hexes that I have complete:

Swirlies even a nerd would like

As you can see, they aren't too pretty right now. However, through the magic of blocking (so I'm told) they'll blossom into the beautiful hexagon swirls seen above. So I, taking advantage of my hour and a half feeding reprieve, threw them in a bowl of lukewarm water and added some shampoo to gently wash them. I gently squeezed out the water, placed them on a towel, carefully rolled it up and hurriedly stomped all over it to get as much water out as possible. Then I started pinning them on my blocking board. And here's where my true genius shined through.

Hexagon-ish

It took half an hour to pin that sucker. It took longer to pin it than it did to crochet it. Stretching out each side and pinning, then removing the pins from the adjacent side to fix the wonkiness and repinning, and then repeating the process 500 times....G.A.H!! I found Flash's kryptonite. A dainty, lacy piece of crocheted wool can bring down the mightiest of superheroes. (Or so I tell myself so I don't feel so bad).

I, being the ever so stubborn persistent gal that I am thought that I'd risk the ever dwindling nap time and try a second hexagon.

Wha...wha.....huh??

Yikes.  I'm just hoping that crocheting them all together will fix those edges and make them kinda straight. I had to leave it looking so sad and deformed because Little Mister was waking up and if I don't feed him right when he starts giving his hunger cues in his sleep, he turns into Audrey 3 and starts clawing at me with his baby dragon claws. (Note to self, it's time to cut his nails.)

So, this is what I have to show for an hour and a half blocking attempt:

Blerg.

Two hexagon-ish swirls and a pile of sopping wet wool.

I am ashamed.

Next time, I'll only wet two spirals to begin with so that I'm not left with a wet pile of FAIL staring me in the face. Blocking. Argh.

The Gege Pie

The last few days have been great- I've been able to accomplish a few of the things that makes me, me.  Have you ever thought of all of the aspects of you that make you, you? When someone asks me, "What do you do?" I always find it difficult to define myself in any one way. Of course they mean, "What do you do as a profession- to make money and contribute to society?" Why is that always one of the first questions people ask? Am I defined by my job? Is my profession the end all and be all of who I am?

Well, for me, the answer to that is a resounding, "NO!" Sure, by education and (current) profession, I'm a Nutritionist. However, that is such a small part of who I am. As a matter of fact, it's probably one of the smallest pieces of the whole Gege Pie, if you will.  Especially in the last few weeks when I've been on maternity leave and have not been functioning as a nutritionist. Feels good, actually. (Don't tell my boss!)

However, one aspect that I miss about work is getting dressed up and doing my hair and makeup. I've been feeling really frumpy lately and I don't like it, which is really strange. Normally I have no problem being in shorts and a tank with my hair in a ponytail sans makeup. But now....I'm feeling really...blah. I thought I'd feel this way due to weight gain; however, my body truly has bounced back much better than I could ever have hoped and I'm even back in my regular clothes (though some are are a little more snug right now).  It could possibly just be a postpartum hormonal thing, but I bought hair dye yesterday, just in case. (Dude. My hair. It's insane! It's always been thick, but thanks to pregnancy hormones it's redunkulous! Since it's short, I end up having a huge poof around my head and my straight iron just gave up the ghost. Sad face. I had it for about 15 years, though, so it had a god run.)  

What are some things that help you feel more like "you" and help banish the blahs?

Anywho, since I'm being so introspective, here are a few of the things I was able to accomplish in the last few days that make me feel like me:



The newest piece of the Gege Pie: Motherhood
I've become adept at baby-watching. I never thought that would become a favorite past time, but it truly has. Seeing the changes that has happened to this tiny little person in the first few weeks of his life has been amazing. A little part of me is sad, though, since he's quickly outgrown his little newborn outfits. He's becoming quite the little chunk and I love it! Due to his breast milk only diet, my Mister started calling our son, "Mister Mustard" every time we have to change him. (If I wanted to end up on STFU Parents, I'd put a picture here to illustrate why. However, even I have limits to my crudeness.) (Shut up. I do.) 


The Professional piece of the Gege Pie: Nutrition
Even though it was tough this weekend, I did not succumb to the alluring calls of the Butter Pecan Ice Cream. However, to appease my recent sweet cravings, my Mister and I tried out some Jello sugar free puddings- the kind that are in the refrigerated section. They are only 60 calories per pudding cup and are SO GOOD. Even though I've not yet set up an actual eating plan, I have started reverting back to my pre-pregnancy eating habits....except for the occasional potato chip fix. My solution for that is to buy a small, one serving bag whenever I have a craving. That way I don't have a huge bag of chips begging to be snarfed down. If you're interested, I'll share my healthy eating plan with y'all once I write it up.

The On-The-Move piece of the the Gege Pie: Exercise
As I said last time, I've finally been able to get back to exercising, if only occasionally and very slowly. Exercise is one of the main ways that I feel like "me" again and I can't wait until I'm back to running. As I told Crochet Blogger in the comments, I don't normally feel like I've worked out unless I'm sweating like a hog and my heart is pounding. However, I must admit that I did feel the effects of my Pilates workout yesterday. (I have the Complete Yoga and Pilates series and I love it!) I'm hoping to be able to do a little something each day- whether a video or going on a walk- just to start getting back into some sort of exercise routine. Hopefully Little Mister will sleep after his next feeding so I can get in a little walk on the treadmill today.


The Creative piece of the Gege Pie: Crochet
I've been on a crocheting binge and it's been great! My sister spent a couple days with us, including this weekend, which meant an extra pair of hands to help free up my own. She and I continued my Psych marathon (streaming Netflix = best.invention.EVER.) and I was able to finally finish my Half Granny Scarf. I love it!! It looks great with a black tank top, which my sister just happened to be wearing when we went to the DMV, so she wore my scarf and thus loved it and, of course, asked for one for herself. Ah shucks. Twist my arm. She also requested another Cow(L) in a sparkly pink yarn she spotted in my stash. Once I finish my own Cow(L) in my grey alpaca (YAY! I finally get to use my new loverlies!), I'll start on that for her.

I loved the Granny Scarf so much, I made another one out of dark brown mercerized cotton and then added a beaded edging. Oh.My.Lanta. I love it even more! Hopefully, if there is no rain either today or tomorrow evening, I'll have my Mister take some pictures. Scarves I'll wear- especially these ones. I'm hoping that I'll work up to wearing my other wraps/shawls, as well.(Hey- I'm nothing if not optimistic.)


The Entertaining Piece of the Gege Pie: Acting
This one is a little bittersweet. Remember the World Independent Music and Film Festival from last year? You know, the one where I won a little award proclaiming to the entire world that I was the BEST ACTRESS EVER? Well, they asked me back this year to present this year's Best Actress Award. I was really excited about this- getting dressed up and going out this weekend sure sounds good right about now. However, I had to turn them down. For one, I'd have to leave Little Mister home with his daddy. We've never given Little Mister a bottle and I don't know if he'll take it (and I must admit I don't like the thought of him having a bottle- even though it's pumped milk. Very strange- never thought I'd feel that way. It actually gives me anxiety for some reason. Huh.) Secondly, my sister-in-law and her husband are going to be visiting us, so I'd rather spend time with them than be in DC, abandoning my baby and having separation anxiety.

I think a reason I've been feeling "blah" is because I have an innate need to have many balls up in the air. I am multifaceted and can't focus on just one aspect of myself and feel whole. I am the most miserable when I am working full-time and don't have any time for any of my other interests. (Which totally explains the last few months of my pregnancy.) I cannot sum up, "What do you do?" with one word and actually feel happy about it. Now that I have time to focus on other aspects of myself, I'm starting to feel whole again and it really feels good!

Ok- Little Mister is finally asleep, so off to the treadmill I go. And then I have a box of hair dye that is calling my name. Good-by blahs!