The One With the Arms and the Legs and the Movie Star

You know how I said I was a superfit mega babe a few days ago? Yeah. So not. Miss A and I were joined by our friend, EC, this morning for our morning exercise jaunt. We decided to once again tackle that six mile, hilly trail that nearly killed me a while back. Except today, since both Miss A and EC are runners, I, bowing to peer pressure and not wanting to be deemed a mere “walker,” somehow agreed to try RUNNING those hilly 6 miles.

OH.MY.LANTA. My lungs! My legs! My poor bruised butt! Oh the humanity!

Just so you all know, I am not a runner. I have never been a runner. I’ve been active and athletic my whole life, but I’ve never been a runner. I don’t run well, don’t run fast, and definitely don’t run attractively. I thought I could transform myself into a runner and even bought a treadmill to start “running” because it’s supposedly a wonderful way to get in shape and lose weight and get that “runner’s high” that so many people talk about.

Balderdash! Balderdash, I say! The only thing that is “high” when I run are my shorts as they are racing up my buttocks as if they are embarrassed to be seen on a girl who so obviously should not be seen doing that thing with the arms and the legs. (And the panting and the wheezing and the dying.)

I not only do not run well, but when I do run, I do it with distinction. I found out this unique trait of mine a few years ago when I was an extra in War of the Worlds. Yes, I got to meet Tom Cruise and Steven Spielberg. Funny that they never called to congratulate me on winning a Best Actress Award. See, Steven?? That could have been you all proud about directing me, an award winning actress, but no. You chose to ignore my obvious talent all those years ago. Well, your loss buddy. I guess you just learned that you should never judge an actress by the way she tries to run. *I sure showed him*

I got to film a scene (along with a hundred other extras) with Tom Cruise where we run up a hill towards the end of the movie. Tommy (that’s what I call him) was exceptionally nice and shook everybody’s hands and was really down to earth. Now, this was Tom Cruise before he got all crazy “couch jumping” with Katie, but very shortly after breaking up with Penelope Cruz.

A sneakily taken picture of them adding a squib? Or adjusting his platform shoes? OOOOO! Burn!

I remember this for two reasons. One: We were all trying to get a picture of the girl-who-was-NOT-Penelope with whom he was seen in between takes; however we weren’t allowed to take pictures or else our cameras would be confiscated. (Stupid Tom Cruise.) And, Two: at least four of my fellow extras asked me if I was Penelope Cruz.

*teehee!*

Of course I said, “Why yes, yes I am. Would you like my autograph?” Except I said it like this, “Why jes, jes I jam. Would jew like my ow-toe-grrraf?

Because Penelope Cruz wore braces and liked posing with random blown up men.

ANYways….once the movie came out, my Mister and I watched it together, hoping that my big screen debut didn't end up on the cutting room floor. When the scene I was in finally started, we carefully searched the hoards of running extras to see if I could somehow be seen and, what do you know?!? You can totally see me! I STARRED IN A MOVIE WITH TOM CRUISE!!!

My Mister was so excited and exclaimed, “There you are! I can tell by the way you run!”

Ermmm….what? Maybe he meant, “There you are! I thought it was Penelope Cruz at first but realized that you are so much hotter!”

I chose to ignore his obviously misspoken declaration of love, but I couldn’t ignore it when my dad called me and said, “I saw you in the movie! I could tell it was you by the way you run!”

DUDE. How the heck do I run??




So this morning, needless to say, I'm already self conscious about my running ability, though having a huge stroller in front of me kind of offsets the awkwardness and lets me play it off, if only a little bit. "No, no. I'm not having a seizure- it's just crazy hard running while pushing this heavy stroller which I do because I am an amazing super fit mega babe. If it wasn't for this stroller, I'd be a freakin' gazelle."

Throw in being seen with actual runners who know how to run well and have run marathons and stuff...let's just say I wasn't exactly the epitome of self confidence this morning. After bringing up the rear the whole way, and being the one to request the walking breaks to recover from the torture running, we had two miles left when Little Mister decided to melt down because he refused to fall asleep. Since I was still reeling from coughing up my left lung at mile number four, you can imagine that this was *not* my shining moment as a running mega babe.

Maybe I should give my good friend Tommy a call to help coach me. He's an amazing runner. And not *at all* crazy anymore. If only he'd return my calls every once in a while... Stupid Tom Cruise.

The Voices In My Head

In my mind, I’m still 22 years old and able to hike hours and hours and bike miles and miles and I can still lose 5 pounds in a couple days by skipping lunch every now and then and still climb up the pinon trees to shake down those lovely, tasty deer turds. In reality? In reality I’m mrfmrfmrf years old, had a baby fairly recently, and I haven’t been exercising regularly in….well, about 2 years, if I’m honest. (HOLY COW! TWO WHOLE FREAKING YEARS??? How did that much time slip by me without me realizing it???)

So, thanks to my new friend Miss A, I’ve been remedying that sad, sad fact and have been walking just about every day with her. Some days we’ll even jog. Or she’ll jog and I’ll try to walk really really fast picking up my knees really high so that it resembles jogging to people driving by. Then I manually jump start my heart again while using my stealthily hidden bicycle pump to reinflate my lungs. We’ve also been steadily increasing our mileage. We started out with about 4 miles and, as of Thursday AND Friday this week, we’ve completed 6 miles. Or just about 10km. I KNOW, RIGHT? We’re like some super-fit postpartum mega babes or something.

As I’m trudging along, trying not to die too much, I’m constantly trying to shush the voices in my head and try to pay attention to our conversation. One of the voices is extremely optimistic, enthusiastic and maybe a tad bit annoying. We’ll call her “Geanie.” The other voice is a little more realistic, pessimistic, and sometimes really grouchy. We’ll call her “Meanie.”

This is the conversation between Geanie and Meanie on Friday as Miss A and I went on our 6 mile trek.

Geanie: OMG! I’m so excited to try a different route today! We’re going to totally work those muscles and I’m going to be a super fit, hot, mega babe in no time flat. How flat? AS FLAT AS MY ABS ARE ABOUT TO BE! Booyah!

Meanie: OMG my butt is so sore from that stinking walk yesterday. Why didn’t we stretch? Now we’re going to have to go to that sadistic massage therapist again. Aw crap. I forgot my water. I’m going to dehydrate and die! UGH! It’d be a whole lot easier if I didn’t have to push this kid in this stupid heavy stroller.

Geanie: WHOO! Feel that burn! Extra weight from pushing Little Mister = more calories burned = I AM SO FREAKING AMAZINGLY AWESOME!

Meanie: Oh c’mon! Hills?!? There were no stinkin’ hills on our regular route! Why did we have to do this stupid trail, anyway?

Geanie: WAHOO! Hills! My butt is going to look so amazingly amazing! You’ll be able to bounce a quarter off of it!

Meanie: Bounce a quarter off of it??? Do you listen to yourself, woman? It’d be a total “WIN” if it just stopped flapping in the breeze when we farted.

Geanie: I can’t believe we’ve already gone 2 miles. Just one more mile and then we can turn back and then another measly 3 miles and we are done!!! Such a short, pretty, AMAZING walk!

Meanie: OH MY LANTA! Only 2 miles so far??? I AM GOING TO DIIIIIIIE!

Geanie: My goodness there are a lot of flies out today. They must be attracted to all of the carbon dioxide I’m producing which means my lungs are TOTALLY WORKING!! GO RESPIRATORY SYSTEM, GO!!

Meanie: AAACKKKK!! These stupid flies won’t leave me alone! My lungs are full of lead! My heart is going to stop any moment now and Little Mister is going to be motherless! I’ll haunt Big Mister to the ends of the earth if he tries bouncing a quarter off my embalmed butt!!!

Geanie: Whew! Feel that burn!! YAAAAAY!!

Meanie: OOOOOHHHHH MYYYYY GOOOOOOOODD!! One of those stinking flies just flew in my mouth! I ATE A FLY! I ATE A FLY!! I’M GOING TO DIIIIIIIE!

Geanie: Oh my- what a thoughtful little creature. Trying to give me some added protein during this AWESOME workout!

Meanie: I FORGOT MY WATER!!! THE FLY IS FLYING IN MY THROAT! I CAN FEEL IT! It’s going to poison me slowly and claw out my esophagus and then I’m going to DIIIIIIIIIIE!

*Miss A kindly and thoughtfully unscrews her water bottle cap so I can take a gulp of water to wash down the fly*

Geanie: Ahhhh….a mouthful of water is so refreshing.

Meanie: I hope she didn’t backwash. Drinking water she backwashed in means we’re married in some countries. UGGGHHHH! Why didn't I check Australia's marital laws before moving here????

Geanie: YAY! A wedding! Maybe we should buy her flowers or something?

Meanie: Yeah- keep walking there, Miss A. Keep your eyes off my badunkadunk. I ain’t no easy trollop.

Geanie: BEST FRIENDS F.O.R.E.V.E.R. !!!!!!!!

Meanie: FINALLY! I can see the parking lot so this stupid, inhumane torture walk of insanity will finally end. KILL ME NOW!!!!!

Geanie: WHEW! 6 miles! I am amazing!!! Feel the burn, fat! WAHHHOOOOOO!

Meanie: Must….drink…..water…..going….to…..die………….now.






Little Mister and I thankfully made it home safely. Yes, I am both proud of walking a hilly 10k and a little leery of Australia's marital laws. Either way, Miss A and I are totally super fit, postpartum mega babes. Bounce a quarter off of THAT!