In my mind, I’m still 22 years old and able to hike hours and hours and bike miles and miles and I can still lose 5 pounds in a couple days by skipping lunch every now and then and still climb up the pinon trees to shake down those lovely, tasty deer turds. In reality? In reality I’m mrfmrfmrf years old, had a baby fairly recently, and I haven’t been exercising regularly in….well, about 2 years, if I’m honest. (HOLY COW! TWO WHOLE FREAKING YEARS??? How did that much time slip by me without me realizing it???)
So, thanks to my new friend Miss A, I’ve been remedying that sad, sad fact and have been walking just about every day with her. Some days we’ll even jog. Or she’ll jog and I’ll try to walk really really fast picking up my knees really high so that it resembles jogging to people driving by. Then I manually jump start my heart again while using my stealthily hidden bicycle pump to reinflate my lungs. We’ve also been steadily increasing our mileage. We started out with about 4 miles and, as of Thursday AND Friday this week, we’ve completed 6 miles. Or just about 10km. I KNOW, RIGHT? We’re like some super-fit postpartum mega babes or something.
As I’m trudging along, trying not to die too much, I’m constantly trying to shush the voices in my head and try to pay attention to our conversation. One of the voices is extremely optimistic, enthusiastic and maybe a tad bit annoying. We’ll call her “Geanie.” The other voice is a little more realistic, pessimistic, and sometimes really grouchy. We’ll call her “Meanie.”
This is the conversation between Geanie and Meanie on Friday as Miss A and I went on our 6 mile trek.
Geanie: OMG! I’m so excited to try a different route today! We’re going to totally work those muscles and I’m going to be a super fit, hot, mega babe in no time flat. How flat? AS FLAT AS MY ABS ARE ABOUT TO BE! Booyah!
Meanie: OMG my butt is so sore from that stinking walk yesterday. Why didn’t we stretch? Now we’re going to have to go to that sadistic massage therapist again. Aw crap. I forgot my water. I’m going to dehydrate and die! UGH! It’d be a whole lot easier if I didn’t have to push this kid in this stupid heavy stroller.
Geanie: WHOO! Feel that burn! Extra weight from pushing Little Mister = more calories burned = I AM SO FREAKING AMAZINGLY AWESOME!
Meanie: Oh c’mon! Hills?!? There were no stinkin’ hills on our regular route! Why did we have to do this stupid trail, anyway?
Geanie: WAHOO! Hills! My butt is going to look so amazingly amazing! You’ll be able to bounce a quarter off of it!
Meanie: Bounce a quarter off of it??? Do you listen to yourself, woman? It’d be a total “WIN” if it just stopped flapping in the breeze when we farted.
Geanie: I can’t believe we’ve already gone 2 miles. Just one more mile and then we can turn back and then another measly 3 miles and we are done!!! Such a short, pretty, AMAZING walk!
Meanie: OH MY LANTA! Only 2 miles so far??? I AM GOING TO DIIIIIIIE!
Geanie: My goodness there are a lot of flies out today. They must be attracted to all of the carbon dioxide I’m producing which means my lungs are TOTALLY WORKING!! GO RESPIRATORY SYSTEM, GO!!
Meanie: AAACKKKK!! These stupid flies won’t leave me alone! My lungs are full of lead! My heart is going to stop any moment now and Little Mister is going to be motherless! I’ll haunt Big Mister to the ends of the earth if he tries bouncing a quarter off my embalmed butt!!!
Geanie: Whew! Feel that burn!! YAAAAAY!!
Meanie: OOOOOHHHHH MYYYYY GOOOOOOOODD!! One of those stinking flies just flew in my mouth! I ATE A FLY! I ATE A FLY!! I’M GOING TO DIIIIIIIE!
Geanie: Oh my- what a thoughtful little creature. Trying to give me some added protein during this AWESOME workout!
Meanie: I FORGOT MY WATER!!! THE FLY IS FLYING IN MY THROAT! I CAN FEEL IT! It’s going to poison me slowly and claw out my esophagus and then I’m going to DIIIIIIIIIIE!
*Miss A kindly and thoughtfully unscrews her water bottle cap so I can take a gulp of water to wash down the fly*
Geanie: Ahhhh….a mouthful of water is so refreshing.
Meanie: I hope she didn’t backwash. Drinking water she backwashed in means we’re married in some countries. UGGGHHHH! Why didn't I check Australia's marital laws before moving here????
Geanie: YAY! A wedding! Maybe we should buy her flowers or something?
Meanie: Yeah- keep walking there, Miss A. Keep your eyes off my badunkadunk. I ain’t no easy trollop.
Geanie: BEST FRIENDS F.O.R.E.V.E.R. !!!!!!!!
Meanie: FINALLY! I can see the parking lot so this stupid, inhumane torture walk of insanity will finally end. KILL ME NOW!!!!!
Geanie: WHEW! 6 miles! I am amazing!!! Feel the burn, fat! WAHHHOOOOOO!
Little Mister and I thankfully made it home safely. Yes, I am both proud of walking a hilly 10k and a little leery of Australia's marital laws. Either way, Miss A and I are totally super fit, postpartum mega babes. Bounce a quarter off of THAT!